so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
