i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
