You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
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Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
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Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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