There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
