Where is the hickey?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
