I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
