sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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