can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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