better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
