you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
