Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
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I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
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This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?