So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
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She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
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and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.