So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.