I hate your face
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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