I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
