Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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