I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
