i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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