I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
