Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
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