operation have a gay friend backfired
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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