Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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