A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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