I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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