positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
drinking out of a sandbucket again
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
