I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
