Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
