I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Dignity is for republicans.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
