the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
