I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
