I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Duck Duck Cougar?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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