im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
