I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
