theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
