peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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