"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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