Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
