I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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