6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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