Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
