Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Randomize
