I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
