he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
