This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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