I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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