Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
where are you?
Hypothermia
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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