it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
he fucked my hip out of place.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
