I wish my penis had an off switch
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
