??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
