btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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