He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
