Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
We are two peas in an std pod
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
