I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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