i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
