96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
