You're my little dorito
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
