I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I forgot how hot balto sounded
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
