I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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