I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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