OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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